Wanna buy a 2-year-old?

I will sell him really cheap.

But beware - this may happen to you....

It was 1:00, thus time for Ben's nap. Ali was also tired and hungry. I was home alone with the kids, so I was planning to get Ali down and then move on to Ben.

But first I had to make a trip to the bathroom. As I came out, I heard a commotion in the nursery. Eric met me saying... you gotta see THIS Mommy. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see. I walked in and it looked like a blood bath scene right out of CSI. Red splashed up on the walls. Red pools on the carpet. Red all over Ben. Red mouth. Red shirt. Wait.... empty food coloring bottles on the floor.

Yep, you guessed it. Ben struck again. At first I was too horrified to even speak, but then I thought of some things to say. In fact, I am afraid to report that the kids learned some new words today from Mommy.

I stripped Ben (shirt into the trash). Washed off the dye as best as I could and put him in his room for a nap. No book. Nothing. He had no idea how close he was to the end of his life. Ok... maybe he did.

Meanwhile, Ali was screaming like SHE was the latest victim of the bloodbath. I knew I needed to get moving on stain removal right away if I wanted ANY chance of getting it out, so I first hit the walls. Ali was not pleased with my decision.

A couple minutes later, I decided to feed her and put her in my room on the bed so I could keep cleaning. She was screaming so hard at that point that nothing I did would calm her down, so she ended up being swaddled and then put down to continue her protest in my room.

Do you have ANY idea how far a bottle of red food coloring can go? I do. I sopped up as much as I could with some clorox wipes (all I could think to grab in my rage) and it was not making a dent.

I decided to try Ali again, in an attempt to calm both of us down. Mercifully, she was willing to nurse at this point. It was about then that I realized what had been in the other bottle Ben spilled - peppermint liquid flavoring. I made a note to go check on Ben when I was finished, as that particular flavoring is 67% alcohol. Yes, he was fine. Sleeping like a baby. A little red baby.

Next came the bissell carpet stain treater and a pile of James's old undershirts. Thank goodness I kept those. Really handy. I used 4 of them. Anyone want to buy a tie-dye?

But here is the best part. As I was cleaning (hands BRIGHT red, mind you - they still are), Eric sat in the rocker keeping me company. Out of the blue, while I am on my hands and knees scrubbing, he says to me... Mommy, you are pretty fat.

Yes. You read that right. Lovely time to pick to point that out to me. Of course he meant no harm and was apologetic after a little lesson on hurting people's feelings. A little lesson on nutrition and exercise followed too.

So, if you are willing to take the 2-year-old off my hands, that would be great. Heck - I'll throw in another child of your choice.

No pictures to accompany this story. I actually thought about it and decided that I just couldn't. Wasn't funny. Still isn't. Maybe someday it will be.